Bloody internet 😳
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
It was worth a shot 😂
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew