Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6