Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
The answer is funnier than the question
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.