People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.