ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Haha good job!!