Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
You Might Also Like
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
This rocks
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose