*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You Might Also Like
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….