That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I have a black belt in leather
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Saw online –
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.