Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat