Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!