Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.