A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
scares
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Check out the legs on this baby
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.