You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.