People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
i baked you a cake
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.