No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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Phonetics
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
BRO LMFAO
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee