You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
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I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.