Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You Might Also Like
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
#ProTip
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.