Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.