I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
It has been 3 years since Monday.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.