My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Boating season is upon us.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction