You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Love it! 👍😂
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
How did we not see this back then?
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.