Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat鈥檚 food so now he doesn鈥檛 get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Jail
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
dr frankenstein: it鈥檚 alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won鈥檛
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy鈥檚 fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 馃挄
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
馃槀馃槀
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We鈥檒l have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We鈥檒l run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won鈥檛 be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT鈥橲 WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die