I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.