Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.