Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
When I snag the last meatball.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!