Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.