I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
You Might Also Like
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
The first one, obviously
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color