Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that