My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
This probably isn’t good
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?