Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.