I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
When I pack too much for a short trip.