saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years