Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
You Might Also Like
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes