Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
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When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.