Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now