Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Venn
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.