I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]