a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
You Might Also Like
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
🙂🙃🥹
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material