A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
there’s probably a fee though