the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is