The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.