“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already