It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE