MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Lmfao
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell