Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 馃
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it鈥檚 mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don鈥檛 have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If your dog doesn鈥檛 have a middle name how will they know when you鈥檙e mad at them when you call them?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.