[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?