Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
This meal prepping shit easy
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
❤️❤️❤️
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Okay me first