*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?