I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
You Might Also Like
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna