Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You Might Also Like
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.